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She Called Me Her “Boyfriend”….

January 29, 2010 1 comment

Unfortunately, the following stalking experience for a young man is extremely common.  I commend him that he didn’t retaliate by lashing out nor physically take matters into his own hands, instead he used his head.  Every victim has to use his/her head and be twenty steps ahead of their assailant.

I am a 15 year old guy in the 10th grade.  Ever since the 6th grade, I have been harassed by a female student and a few of her friends, but mostly her.

I can’t remember when it started, but I do remember sometime in the 7th grade I had to work on a project with her. While working, she took my pen in placed it in her crotch and told me to get it. I just walked away and worked somewhere else and let it go.

In the 8th grade, while leaving the cafeteria, she and a friend grabbed me in the hall and cornered me.  They groped me continuously, even as other students passed by and some saw. It was extremely embarrassing.

I told them to let me go but they wouldn’t let me.
A couple days ago, at a club meeting we both are involved in, while taking a break, she comes over and starts telling me how we go out and how I’m her boyfriend.  Her friends laugh. Then she starts groping and rubbing on me.   When I stand up to leave with my friend, she pinches my butt and laughs.

These are only a few of many incidents, and I finally had enough. I plan on going to my assistant principal first thing Monday and reporting her. She has made going to school and the club something I dread, and now I have a witness.

As everyone knows, I focus primarily on female abuse and assault; teaching and training them mentally, emotionally and ultimately how SHE can PROTECT AND DEFEND herself.  However, I do support males because males can be and are victims as well.  I do not expect nor promote a male to “take a frying pan upside the head” and there are some really nasty females out there that are abusive.  Unfortunately the statistics do not accurately represent male abuse because males simply did not readily come forward to seek assistance.  But….the times are changing and I strongly encourage ANY male that is verbally, emotionally, financially, spiritually and/or physically abused to reach out.  Our agencies are working extremely hard to offer males assistance – you are not alone.

  • Approximately 380,000 men are stalked annually in the US
  • 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime
  • 64% of male victims know their stalker
  • 30% of male victims are stalked by an intimate partner
  • 10% of male victims obtained a protective order
  • 81% of male victims had protection orders violated

If you are a male or you know a male that is being abused or victimized in any manner please reach out for support, guidance and advice.  Contact your local and/or national agencies as well as the list below.  Remember, you are not alone and NO DESERVES TO BE VICTIMIZED IN ANY MANNER.

If you are in immediate danger, you should call 911.

The PSA from CBS stalking advice pertains to female and male victims of stalking.


STALKING RESOURCE CENTER

RAINN

National Center for Victims of Crime

Male Survivor

Hope for Healing.Org

Safe Horizons

Take care and STAY SAFE!

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AWN Radio Guest: Personal Safety Expert Anny Jacoby on Issues of Stalking & Violence

January 29, 2010 Comments off


AWN Radio on Saturday, January 30, 2010

Anny Jacoby, Personal Safety Expert offers a unique understanding of self defense, and in her workshops she teaches females important safety tips as well as self defense training. In these classes she also addresses awareness of abusive relationships, assault, and pro-active options.

Anny consulted with an professionals regarding females on the autism spectrum and their unique vulnerabilities as it pertains to these matters. Join us in welcoming Anny to the show as she shares with us important information about personal safety, and as this last day of January closes out the National Awareness Month on Stalking, Anny will also highlight some important tips which we should all understand.

Show times: 11:00 am PST, 12:00 pm MST, 1:00 pm CST, 2:00 pm EST

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Kim Kardashian Gets Restraining Order Against Alleged “Joker Face” Stalker Dennis Shaun Bowman

January 28, 2010 Comments off

Posted by Kealan Oliver

CBS NEWS – Crimesider

(AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

(AP Photo/Brian Bohannon)

NEW YORK (CBS/AP) Reality TV star Kim Kardashian has obtained a temporary restraining order against a man who claims they are in love: an unwanted admirer named Dennis Shaun Bowman.

Photo: Kim Kardashian arrives at the premiere of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” in June 2009.

Court papers claim Bowman told Kardashian he is interested in a romantic relationship and sends her numerous messages each day, saying they are in love and will get married.

“I am extremely frightened by Mr. Bowman because he appears to be obsessed with me and is extremely delusional,” Kardashian, 29, wrote in a court filing.

Kardashian’s attorneys obtained a stay-away order Tuesday against Bowman. The 26-year-old alleged stalker is not to contact her in any way, including Twitter.

Kardashian is a star of the reality show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” which follows the escapades of Kardashian and her family. Her filings stated Bowman has repeatedly shown up at her appearances, often as the Joker from “Batman” covered in facepaint.

Bowman allegedly ignored cease-and-desist letters from her attorney and orders from the Los Angeles police to stop following her.

Her filings detailed a series of close encounters where Bowman tried to reach her at promotional appearances, some of which he heard about on Twitter. However, in some instances he arrived too late or was turned away by security.

Bowman did not immediately return an e-mail message seeking comment. Attempts to find a phone listing for him were unsuccessful.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

I am scared to death…he won’t stop stalking me!

January 27, 2010 2 comments

The more the public becomes aware of the effects and toll that stalking can do to a victim – perhaps the more we will realize that STALKING IS A CRIME and it is NEVER the victim’s fault.

I find that it helps to share with my readers real life experiences of stalking victims so just perhaps you will have a better understanding of the devastating effects that this crime as well as others has on victims.  This victim’s experience is only one of millions.

A man has been stalking me for years. He left obscene lengthy screaming voice mails. Other times, he would lay his phone down by his tv and let the answering machine record it.  He played Cheryl Crowe’s song “The First Cut is the Deepest” as a message on my cell phone voice mail.  I worked at the high school where my daughter was also a student, and he threatened to come there and get us both.

I was able to get a restraining order against him in 2005, which was granted for one year.  Then I moved away.

But he began stalking me on the Internet.  He constantly emails me and no matter how many times I block him, he sends it through 3rd party.  I just got a poem that he sent through Craig’s List. He has also sent emails to my daughter.

I am scared to death he will find out where I work and live now.  To keep myself secret, I now have a PO box in someone else’s name and no land telephone line.

I have called every place I can to get help and nobody will help me because he has not threatened to harm me lately, even though he has in the past as witnessed by the previous restraining order.  I have gone to every women’s group, locally, regionally, nationally.  I don’t know what to do anymore. The judge here will not issue a restraining order unless there has been two acts of violence.  (Well, if someone threatens you, to me THAT is intent, and it only takes one contact to kill somebody.) The paperwork even says harassment on the Internet is grounds but still, the judge won’t do anything.

I am scared to death and every time he contacts me, I start shaking and my heart races.

Many victims become frustrated with the legal system, but they must realize that the problem is NOT that no one will help – the problem is that many of the states stalking laws DO NOT allow the police or courts to do much to combat stalking.  In other words – the legal system is not minimizing a victim’s fear but it is hard to make it illegal to terrify people since so many different things can scare many people.  Many states require physical attacks or threat of harm before law enforcement can intervene.  The legal system does the best that they can with the little leverage they are given to deal with stalking.

In NO WAY am I making excuses for our legal system from cops to lawyers to judges.  They all know that there is a serious problem and IT’S NOT GOING AWAY.  This is why so many Advocates are devoted to extending our experience, hands and voices to make a difference.  We must join forces, working together to make changes.  Yes, it’s a process and frustrating but we (Advocates and Victims) must remain on the same page working toward the ultimate goal – JUSTICE!

Ultimately, the victim must be in control of the crime, so-to-speak.  Is it fair, HELL NO! but this is your life and you must be in control.  Please read my previous blogs for safety tips and suggestions.  Please check out how you can protect you with technology stalking via Project Safety Net, Wired Safety and WHOA .

Take care and STAY SAFE!

A Victim’s Assistant Speaks Out About A Stalker and Death…

January 26, 2010 Comments off

STALKING IS A CRIME!

Once you’ve been a victim, you know how life-destroying stalking can be.

A Victim’s Assistant speaks out about a double homicide/suicide-by-cop case.  It was related to a stalking case I worked last year. My stalking victim was stalked by her ex-husband, primarily through their 3-year-old daughter.   He had also done the same thing to his first wife and son (who is now 10). After the stalking conviction, he moved on to another woman. When she broke up with him in January and tried to end the relationship he began stalking her, too. Finally, he showed up at the hospital where she worked as a physical therapist on a night when he had unsupervised custody of the child (my client was with her new husband at an awards banquet 6 hours away). He had made a cassette tape of his plans the night before and carried them out in the hospital parking lot. He shot his ex-girlfriend in the face and killed her, then dragged her body to a grassy area.

Then he went to his vehicle, unbuckled his 3-year-old daughter by his 2nd wife (my stalking victim) and carried her to his ex-girlfriend’s body.  He placed the child on his knee and shot her in the face/head, killing her.  Then he shot his ex-girlfriend again two more times and stabbed her with a knife several times.  Then he kneeled between the two bodies and tried to kill himself, but the gun jammed.  By then the police had arrived, so he pointed the gun at them and forced them to shoot and kill him.

All of this happened in the hospital parking lot in front of several employees. On the tape he left behind, he mentioned his plans to also kill his son from his first marriage (luckily, he could not find his son in time so he carried on without him).

The man was a firefighter/EMT. He stalked his victims through his job.   He used the 911 system to obtain my victim’s new unlisted phone numbers every time she changed them. He used the emergency cell phone in the ambulance to harass my victim (and probably his ex-girlfriend too). He used his job to track license plates of vehicles in my victim’s driveway and would then call her and tell her who was/had been at her house.  He would follow her, harass her, leave hundreds of phone messages, and stake out her home for hours on end. He would page my victim constantly, and use his daughter as his excuse for calling my victim many times each day, even when he had her that day. When He was convicted of stalking, he received two years of supervised probation and ten counseling sessions.  Because he was a fireman, the judge also made his conviction eligible for expungement at the end of his probation, meaning the conviction would not exist on his record.  The judge justified this by saying he wanted the defendant to keep getting promotions and pay more support for the daughter.

Charles saw his probation officer just hours before his murdering spree. This man was a classic abusive partner / stalker and had a pattern of abuse / stalking at least three women before committing these murders. He left behind many torn lives and a legacy of grief.  His daughter would have turned four just four days after the murders.

Thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims in this case. I am truly sorry that this had to happen but I hope that by printing this story it brings to light some of the awful things that do happen.

If you are being stalked or are in fear of being stalked, please reach out and get the help you need, call 911 and/or your local agencies.  Remember, no one deserves to be physically, sexually or emotionally abused.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Who Becomes a Stalker?

January 24, 2010 1 comment

STALKING IS A CRIME!

Once you’ve been a victim, you know how life-destroying stalking can be.

Who Becomes a Stalker?

Stalkers are usually isolated and lonely, coming from the “disadvantaged” of our society; however, a stalker can occupy any place in our entire social spectrum. Often, the stalking may be triggered by a significant trauma or loss in the life of the perpetrator, usually within at least seven years of the stalking behavior.   (For example, relationship dissolution or divorce, job termination, loss/potential loss of a child, or an ill parent.)  Most stalkers are not psychotic.  In a comparative study of psychotic versus non-
psychotic stalkers (Mullen et al. 1999), 63% of the sample was found to be suffering from a common psychiatric condition, such as major depression, personality disorder, or substance dependence–with personality disorder being the most common diagnosis.

Ex-intimates: Common stalkers are people who previously shared a romantic relationship with the victim, and former intimates are the most common type of stalking target.   This can be either from a long or short term relationship.

Family members: A stalker may target a member of their family, such as a parent or sibling.   This would most likely be a resentful or rejected stalker, and they would target a family member they feel had rejected,  humiliated, or abused them in the past.

Friends and Acquaintances: The victim may be stalked by an intimacy seeker or an incompetent suitor motivated by a desire to start a romantic relationship with the victim.  The victim may be stalked by a resentful stalker, typically a neighbor, who may be involved in a disagreement with the victim about something such as noise, the location of a tree, or pets.

Workplace Contacts: In their study of stalkers, Mullen (et al) found that 23% had a professional relationship with their victim, most often a medical practitioner.  Other stalkers may be supervisors, fellow employees, service providers, clients, or others who show up at the victim’s workplace. Stalking behaviors directed at the victim may include:  sexual harassment, physical and sexual assaults, robberies, or even homicide.  A violent workplace stalker usually has a history of poor job performance, a high rate of absenteeism, and a record of threats and confrontations with people they resent in the workplace.

 

 

Victims often do not tell their co-workers or supervisors about the person who is stalking them because they fear reprisals from the stalker or other employees, don’t think they will be believed, or feel embarrassed about the situation.

Doctors, nurses, psychologists, or other health care providers may become the targets of stalking by obsessed clients or patients.   (Or the other way around)  Teachers may become stalked by students.  (Or the other way around.)  Psychiatrists are at particular risk for being the targets of stalking because of their contact with people with psychiatric conditions.

Strangers: respond politely.  These are most commonly Intimacy Seekers and Incompetent Suitors, but may also be Predatory stalkers or Resentful stalkers.  These stalkers may hide their identity from their victims at first, and reveal it after stalking their victim for some time in order to get closer to them. Victims may be initially flattered when stalker approaches them and date with their stalker, after many requests.  This can have the unintentional effect of encouraging the
stalker, and making them believe that their love is reciprocated.

Gender: Stalkers are far more likely to be male, however, women can also become stalkers.   Women are more likely to  target someone they have known, usually a  professional contact.  Men are less likely to pursue other men, while females will often target other females.  The majority of female stalkers are intimacy seekers seeking to establish relationships, whereas men show a broader range of motivations, and are more often to be seeking to restore relationships.  Women are as likely to use violence as men, and there does not tend to be a difference between genders regarding the duration of  a stalking.  Thus, while the contexts and motives for stalking may differ between men and women, the intrusiveness of the behaviors and potential for harm does not.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Via Sexual Harassment Support.

He sent me to the hospital after I told him to “Get Lost!”

January 22, 2010 Comments off

Worried High School Girl,  New York

This past year was my first year in high school.  Admittedly I was very nervous about it due to the fact I am a very quiet girl with a few good friends.

Now I’m not quite sure when I started to notice that this boy (whom is 3 years older than myself) was watching me a lot. After a couple of weeks he had found out my E-mail and Cell phone number and was always trying to be in contact with me, and was asking about where I was going and with who. It continued to the point where he left messages playing love songs on my phone, or him saying how depressed he was when he didn’t see my face. I started to really freak out when he started to show up at the places where I was (even my doctor’s appointments).

I was told by my friend that I am too nice because I hadn’t told the guy how much he was scaring me with his questions, and I never told him to go away.  Finally I worked up the nerve to tell him I wasn’t interested after he snuck up behind me when I was on my way to the bus, picked me up and started to carry me away! (Boy was I happy my two friends were there).

But he didn’t listen, and he tried to be close to me whenever he could in school. He even dated the girl with the locker next to mine! He left notes in my locker saying he missed talking to me and was always sitting near me or trying to touch my arm.

I got mad and told him to “Get lost!” again.

The very next day I was sent to the hospital due to the fact that in gym class he hit my face with a soccer ball, resulting in a concussion.  He told people it was my fault.  But after that, everyone in school saw what was going on and helped me to stand up to him (the teachers were close to useless without proof).

Over the next few months there has been little to no contact between us. But last week I got an email from him saying again how much he misses me and how sorry he is. His friends also sent me emails saying the same thing (they had done so in the past, urging me to go out with him as well).

With the new school year approaching, I’m wondering if he will ever go away.

I personally commend this young lady for taking a stance, speaking out and understanding her concern; but now she must know her options and what she can do to STOP HIS STALKINGSHE WAS ALSO ASSAULTED! Once you’ve been a victim, you know how life-destroying stalking and assaults can be.  There are no easy answers to her concerns or questions.  First and foremost, a victim should always think about her safety.

Unfortunately, the above experiences (stalking and assault) are extremely common with our young people.  Our young people must be educated about stalking - STALKING IS A CRIME!  ASSAULTS ARE A CRIME!

Yes, this is a wake-up call for parents everywhere – it is YOUR (“RENTS”) RESPONSIBILITY to be sure that your daughter(s) receive proper education in order for her to protect herself.  She must learn awareness, how to recognize the warning signs of abuse and assault as well as what she can do to protect and ultimately defend herself if physically assaulted.

It’s high time for our school administrators and teachers to get their heads out of the sand and make classes on Personal Safety mandatory.  What does a volley-ball or badminton class do for a child?  What do these classes teach our young ladies about health relationships, that they have rights and what they can do about them?  Personal Safety education and training is a distinct part of LIFE SKILLS.  Parents is YOUR responsibility to be your child’s voice; take a stance, fight for YOUR child and be sure that she gets the proper training that she so rightly deserves.  And, if the school systems won’t do something about it – IT IS YOUR DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY TO DO IT ON YOU OWN.  Do not let your child down in any way.

I have been blogging and posting about Stalking Signs, Awareness and Safety Tips all  month in observance of Stalking Awareness Month.  Truthfully, every day should should be an internal check about every awareness.  Focusing on just one month a year of any specific cause is so minuet as the EPIDEMIC of assaults on females are off the charts.

This is no longer a taboo subject – we are talking about YOUR CHILD, your innocent child who does not have this “life skill” unless you assist her to obtain it.  Isn’t she (they) worth it?  Aren’t you as a female/mother worth it?

Girls – I encourage each and every one of you to be YOUR voice.  Ask for education, training and ultimately how you can realistic defend and EFFECTIVELY (the key word) yourself if you are ever put in a position that you have to FIGHT BACK.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

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